Finding Hope

Sad. Such a lame word, but it's true. I feel sad in the most basic sense of the emotion -- like I just need a hug from my mama.

I feel sad I have to miss a friend's wedding, and sad I haven't seen my niece in so long. I'm sad that my family and friends are stuck in this storm with me, and sad that my husband doesn't have a normal wife anymore. And then I realize --  Hell, I've never been normal anyways. (Hehe!) 

I finished my first round of treatment a few days ago, and so far I've reacted relatively well. I have had some discouraging symptoms resurface but all have been fleeting. Knock on wood! (No really, please do!)

Some symptoms go just as quickly as they came -- like a shooting pain from the back of your neck down through the tips of your toes. Other symptoms linger and taunt you. They radiate deep in the joints or confiscate your ability to process information. It's as if the bacteria just wants to remind you its there. 

Though reoccurring symptoms were to be expected, it is not something that you can really be prepared for. The doctors say it could be like this forever. That's a long time, y'all! I just have to take it one day at a time! 

I am learning to be very intentional with my thoughts and to discipline my mind to be positive and hopeful. 

"...it's a mistake to ever look for hope outside of one's self." - Arthur Miller